


An Amalgamation of Supernatural Crack

by EvertheOptimistWaywardAF



Category: Supernatural, Wayward Sisters - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Multi, mindless quarantine reading, spn crack, supernatural humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23261935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvertheOptimistWaywardAF/pseuds/EvertheOptimistWaywardAF
Summary: Do you like crack posts? I do! I write them a lot. In the past, I've written very serious fan fic and left this stuff on my Tumblr, but no longer!Each chapter is a different group of crack posts (or short stories) I wrote for Supernatural! Included are Jack and Eliot's Podcast, Wayward Sisters, a bunch of destiel, Mia Vallen's Therapy Office, and much more!
Relationships: Destiel, Samwena - Relationship, saileen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Mia Vallen's Therapy Office

Mia: Hey Jack, you missed our last appointment. I was worried about you.  
Jack: Yeah, sorry Ms. Vallens. I was kidnapped.  
Mia: Oh my God, are you alright?  
Jack: Yeah. This kind of happens every couple of Thursdays. And I died!  
Mia: YOU WHAT

___________

Mia: Jack, have you ever considered the psychological consequences of the physical and mental trauma you experience on a day to day basis?

Jack: I watched Dean shoot his own foot this morning

Mia: *facepalms* Why

Jack: I don’t know, there was a lot of blood though, and Cas was pretty mad

Mia: No, sweetie, I wasn’t asking you why. It was a general question to the universe as to why your parents are so incompetent.

Jack: Well, honestly, I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I’m an incomprehensible baby god. Even I don’t know what I’m doing. Like, why do I drink ten soda cans a day and feel an empty hole inside inspired by the fear of being tortured by my uncle and father, and being hunted, abused, and even locked in a coffin by the people I love? Nobody knows where that comes from! That’s why I’m in therapy!

Mia: Jack…

Jack: Do you want a cookie? I baked these last night at midnight after I woke up from a dream where everyone I love died and it was my fault

Mia: Jack!!!!

_____________

Jack: Sometimes I forget how much I know compared to the other kids. Yesterday, a girl who is three months older than me started crying because I asked her to color the triangle in red.

Jack: I mean, how was I supposed to know that Libby doesn’t know what a triangle is yet?!

Jack: I saw my dad get stabbed with a knife when I was a year old and for some reason I think that affected my knowledge level greatly. I started on chapter books over Christmas and most of the kids at the day care still can’t read!

Dean: Jack, you’re just a really special, extraordinarily large child, and we love you.

____________

Mia: Hello! Welcome to the Supernatural Orphans Support Group, for young adults and Jack who lost a parent due to paranormal events.

Kaia: Raise your hand if you’ve ever been victimized by Dean Winchester

Mia: Nooo

Emma, Ben, Jack, Claire, Jesse, Krissy:

*Mean Girls scene*

__________

Patience: Why does everyone hate Dean for some reason?

Kaia: We love Dean, it’s just… once, he threatened to shoot me in the head

Claire: He murdered ten people in front of me

Jacob: He killed my mom

Emma: He’s my father

Jesse: Dean is associated with my childhood trauma of Castiel trying to murder me

Ben: He pushed me against a wall when I was like… ten… and then he erased my memory

Jack: Again, I love Dean but we have a bad history of saying we’re going to murder each other. I was self harming and he told me he would kill me. And later he locked me in a coffin.

Mia: Wait, he locked you in a wh-


	2. Jack and Eliot's Paranormal Podcast

Jack: Welcome to our paranormal podcast. My name is Jack,  
Eliot: And I'm Eliot! Our first guest this week is Jack's Uncle Michael.  
Jack: Uncle Mike, do paranormal creatures exist?  
Michael: Does anything exist, Nephew? Do we just shuffle along, believing we have some free will, even the greatest of us, only to discover that we are all pawns in some cruel god's game of deceit?  
Eliot: What's your opinion on ghosts?  
Michael: Humans yearn to remain alive, to leave an impression on the world, their only chance at marking their place in existence until they are forgotten, forever, in their weak, short lives.  
Jack: Are you alright?  
Michael: Are any of us "all right"? Is it all just a dream, this illusion we give ourselves of freedom? Are we all the same in the end, dust into dust, as we all will eventually fade into the universe? Are YOU alright, Jack?  
Jack: I'm doing okay. I'm worried about you though.  
Michael: Ah, fear, humanity's greatest weakness.  
Jack: Well, that's our time! Catch us next week as we follow Dean's morning routine! Bye!

__________________

Eliot: Hello and welcome back to Jack and Eliot's paranormal podcast. I'm Eliot!  
Jack: And I'm Jack. We're interviewing a few special guests about Hell this week. Eileen, Dean, Rowena, and Kevin.  
Eliot: Alright, so... why did you go to Hell?  
Jack: Eileen says "mistake."  
Dean: Demon deal, of course.  
Rowena: I probably deserved it for how beautiful I am.  
Kevin: God just really hates me.  
Eliot: And in one word, how was it?  
Dean: Bad.  
Rowena: Fun.  
Kevin: Terrible.  
Jack: Eileen signed a word I'm not allowed to say.  
Eliot: What's it like now?  
Dean: I still get nightmares.  
Kevin: I'd rather fade from existence than go back.  
Jack: Eileen says another word I'm not allowed to say.  
Rowena: Actually I've really enjoyed Hell, not the best place I've been but not the worst Yelp review I've given  
Eliot: And that's all our time! Join us next week on "Never Have I Ever" Angel edition with Castiel, Naomi, Michael, and Anael!


	3. Jack (ft. Parents)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of MANY Jack and his parents moments

Jack: I just found out Cas isn’t my father  
Sam: You mean… the Seraph? Jack, you’re part archangel.  
Jack: I know, it was a big surprise :(  
Sam: *xfiles theme plays*  
______________  
Cas: the next person to even LOOK at Jack will get an angel blade to the face  
Jack: but… you’re looking at me!  
Jack: CAS PLEASE DONT DIE  
________________  
Jack: What would the Winchesters do?  
Jack: *sacrifices himself, goes insane, kills someone he loves, runs away, surrenders to protect the people he loves, uncovers secret plot*  
Sam: *crying* wow, he really is like us  
________________  
Sam: *gets hurt*  
Cas and Eileen: WHO THE F*CK HURt SaMMMM?! I'm gonna kill all ya'll b*tches! HANDS OFF SAM, B*TCH!  
_______________  
Monster: You're just the Winchesters' pet!  
Jack: Actually, they're my pets.  
Sam: Uh-  
Jack: I'm just kidding, we all have equal value even though we are different species  
Sam: No, it's okay, I've always wanted to be a dog  
Dean: What the f*ck Sam  
___________________

Dean: Today Jack and I will be showing an example of what hand to hand combat looks like. Jack will be representing you, the novice, small, weak, short hunters.  
Jack: I'm tall for my age.  
Dean: Let's say I have Jack in a chokehold. How do you escape a monster in this position?  
Jack: Use my elbow to get him in the side, then stomp on his foot.  
Dean: Exactly- alright, real time!  
Jack: Dean, I'm not-  
Dean: The element of surprise helps, always use it!  
Jack: De- de-  
Dean: Dude, elbow me!  
Jack: *glows* *BANG* Dean!  
Dean: And that is why we wait until the minor deity is ready otherwise he'll throw you into a bookcase

___________________  
Jack is Indifferent to Sexual Orientation

Sam: Jack, when a person likes another person, they want to date, right? So when you're gay, it means that you're attracted to a person with the same gender as you  
Jack: I'm confused  
Sam: So... Aunt Charlie and Aunt Rowena were together for a bit, right? They're sometimes called gay  
Jack: So it's a slang word for a couple?  
Sam: Only for people who date other people with the same gender, Jack  
Jack: So... like normal people then?  
________________  
Jack: All of my family decided to go on dates and they left me behind. I'm three and I have nothing to do and I noticed that you're alone too, so do you want to be my valentine?  
Rowena: You came all the way to Hell... to ask the Queen of Hell... if she would be your valentine?  
Jack: Yeah  
Rowena: *crying* yes  
\- twenty four hours later-  
Sam: Hey Jack, I'm home!  
Jack: Hi Sam!  
Sam: Wha-  
Jack: Rowena took me out for ice cream and then we went shopping and she bought me a bunch of fancy clothes, including this dress that I picked out and she was really proud of me, and then we went to yoga with Auntie Amara!  
Rowena: I'm proud of my boy. Jack is my son now and officially the Prince of Hell so I'm adopting him.  
______________  
Dean: *plays pool to get money*  
Cas: *shows up at Jeff Rooney's house and demands child support via blackmail to get money*  
Dean: Cas, where did you get that briefcase?  
Cas: Nowhere :3  
________________  
Jack: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU  
Sam: Jack, what's wrong?  
Jack: Dean ate the last doughnut  
Dean: *covered in powder* noh ah didn  
_______________  
Jack: I'm the Prince of the Universe  
Jack: Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!  
Jack: Literally!  
_______________  
Jack: I swear, it’s some part of an evil plan! It shows up in my nightmares! Sam, I’m pretty sure that THING doesn’t really report to Santa Claus!  
Sam: *looks at an Elf on the Shelf* Yeah, that’s gotta go

________________  
Interviewer: So... you adopted two orphans. How did these two come to be in your care?  
Castiel: I may have been involved in parental murders.  
Interviewer: Are you implying that you murdered the parents of the children you adopted?  
Castiel: I didn't murder them but I was semi responsible for all four of their deaths.  
Interviewer: And the children are okay with that?  
Claire: It's weird but yeah, I'm okay. I mean, my mom died like five years ago, bleeding out in my arms, while Cas watched, so it's not weird at all.  
Jack: I saw both of my parents die right in front of me but I have absolutely no mental trauma.  
Interviewer: Umm can you answer why you have "Pet Sematary" written on your arm in red ink  
Jack: No  
Claire: I mean, both our dads exploded, and once again, we're perfectly fine!  
Interviewer: I'm calling the cops  
_______________________  
Pet Sematary

Jack: Let's stop here  
Sam: Jack, why did you make me drive you all the way to Maine. This is getting really weird.  
Jack: You may not know this but when I came back, I found out about this special dirt that brings things back  
Sam: Oh no  
Jack: And I need to pick up my snake! Where is he? Felix!  
Sam: Jesus Christ  
Jack: Oh there you are Felix!  
Sam: I hate my life  
_________________________  
Jack: My first action as God would be to outlaw normal shoes. All shoes will either become wheelies or light up shoes.  
Cas: What if people don't like that?  
Jack: Then they don't deserve shoes  
_______________________  
-Season 14-  
Jack: Let it gooo! Let it go! And I'll rise with the wind and sky-ee-eyyy! Let it go! Let it go, that perfect boy is gone!  
Dean: Jack, if you keep singing, I'm gonna fudging shoot you in the fudging face!  
-Season 15-  
Jack: Show yourself! Step into your power! Throw yourself... into something new!  
Dean: I still hate this but I'm happy you're finally accepting your identity and connecting to your magic instead of killing my family  
__________________  
Dean: Be like Elsa, let it go  
Jack: *loses control of his powers*  
Dean: That's not what I meant  
_________________  
Politician: Sir, you are too young to vote  
Jack: I'M FAKE NINETEEN!  
_________________  
Everyone: Jack doesn't have a soul  
Jack: *has a panic attack* *crying*  
Everyone: Nahh he's just being manipulative  
Jack: *Risks his life to save a girl he met once three years ago and stands up for her and feels remorse for putting her in danger, instantly befriends her evil twin*  
Everyone: ...  
Jack: Yeah I'm an emotionless piece of trash  
_______________  
Jack: Ever since I grew my hair out everyone thinks I look like Sam  
Cas: You look like a suburban mom  
Dean: Well, Sam looks like a suburban mom so he's right  
Sam: hey!  
_________________  
Jack: I'm small  
Jack: I like snakes  
Jack: I renounce my right to the throne because I don't want to win a leadership position by brutal force but rather for the right reasons and I don't want to benefit from the billions of years of oppression and manipulation that is now associated with me because of my grandfather, my uncle, and my biological father. I want to bring in a new era where humans are able to rule themselves rather than having a supernatural dictator and I know that power can be corruptive and harmful so anyone having the ability to control the universe unchecked is a terrible idea and we should have the humans decide on who leads them, even if they make terrible choices, because they deserve the right to make those decisions.  
Jack: And I like stars.  
______________  
Jack: Don’t touch my humans!  
Chuck: Well excuse me, they’re my humans! I had them first!!!  
Jack: I enact finders keepers law. That’s the second most important law after a pinky promise, and it won’t be broken!  
______________  
Jack: I love my friends, but for some reason, they’re always getting stabbed  
Jack: What did I do to watch Clark get stabbed right in front of me about six hours after I was born?  
Jack: And then Kaia got stabbed  
Jack: *whispers* Stacey. I should go apologize again.  
Jack: and my dad got stabbed but we’re not friends, so it doesn’t really matter. And my other dad got stabbed outside my childhood home by my original dad. Wow. But he’s alive now.  
Jack: So, in summary, my friends are really durable when they get stabbed and only need magic or a hospital trip but it’s traumatizing either way!  
______________  
Cas then: WeLL lEt mE KnOw If We ArE pIcKiNg Up MoRe WaYwARd OrPhAnS AlONg tHe WaY  
Cas now: *hugging Jack, Claire, and Kaia* This new one is now my daughter in law  
_____________  
Dean: *Calls Ben ‘kid’*  
Dean: *Calls Jack ‘kid’*  
Dean: *Calls Kaia ‘kid’*  
Me: So is everyone a baby goat to you, Dean?


	4. Jack (ft. Parents) Part 2

Jack: You're F.A.M.I.L.Y  
Jack: F is for friend  
Jack: A is for angel  
Jack: M is for mom  
Jack: I is for insuppressible  
Jack: L is for love  
Jack: Y is for you can count on me  
Sam: *crying* ... wow  
Sam: You know so many words!  
_____________________  
Bel: Aren't you tired of being nice?  
Bel: Don't you just want to go ape shit?  
Jack: .... no?  
____________________  
Jack: *sleeping*  
Sam: Ohh he’s so cute! I need… photo.  
Dean: Seriously? I’m driving, Sam!  
Sam: Cas… don’t move an inch!  
Impala: *hits a bump*  
Jack: ???  
Sam: Goddammit  
_________________  
Dean: You're not great at secret keeping, huh?  
Jack: I've kept a secret for Castiel for 348 days.  
Dean: Wait, since when?  
Jack: December 6th.  
Dean: What the fuck happened on December 6th?  
Jack: I told you, it's a secret.  
__________________  
Bel: how do we get down there?  
Cas: *tosses Bel* YEET!  
___________________  
Jack: Sunshine daisies butter mellow turn this stupid fat rat yellow  
Jack: Rowena, why are you laughing?  
Rowena: *whispers* oh my god he’s so cute  
Sam: I can’t believe he thought that was a real spell  
Jack: Hey!  
________________  
Jack: my name is Jack, I like to eat, if you hurt my family, I’ll make you go YEET  
Demon: … whelp, I’m out.  
_______________  
Kelly: My name is Kelly Kline, I'm a christian politician from the midwest who loves painting, horses, the ocean, and dogs, and if you come anywhere near my son again, I will personally gut you and lead a smear campaign against you.  
______________  
Jack: I’m Two-Wenty One  
Bartender: …  
Bartender: excuse me, yes, can we have this young man escorted to his parents  
____________________  
Dean: Even the babies are some of the most dangerous things in the world so I built this Mal’ak Box to keep them secure so there's no possible-  
Jack: *walking away*  
Dean: OH MY GOD  
________________  
*watching Phantom of the Opera in the Dean Cave*  
Jack: Wow, I relate to Christine but honestly? I wouldn't be that stupid.  
*two months later (in the Ma'lak Box)*  
Lucifer: SING MY ANGEL!  
Jack: Maybe there was a lesson I was supposed to learn here  
______________  
Jack: Hey, dad  
Cas: ...  
Cas: *Hugs him*  
Jack: *strained* Uh... dad...  
Cas: Hmm hm?  
Jack: Dad you're crushing my ribs  
Cas: Oh, sorry  
______________  
Jack: What do you mean Halloween is over?! I pretend to be somebody I'm not and eat tons of candy on a daily basis. Every day is Halloween for me!  
_____________  
Dean: Jack once said it's the time we have together that matters. I know he would be disappointed in me for letting you walk away, Cas. He would've wanted us to be together, to be happy. That's all he ever wanted, to be a family. I don't know if you're listening, but I'm sorry. For everything. Come home, Cas.  
Sam: That's beautiful  
Dean: Okay, it's deleted, time to record a new one  
Dean: YOU WALKED OUT ON ME, BITCH  
__________  
Lucifer: I'm not classist but all humans should die  
Jack: Ok boomer  
___________  
Kelly: Hey, I'm Kelly, I'm pregnant, this is my stupid, reckless, idiot son.  
Sam: How do you know that? He's not even born yet  
Kelly: Castiel is his father  
_____________  
Rowena: *sighing* Does anyone know how to dance?  
Bel: I can floss!  
Everyone: ...  
Bel: It's mandatory in Hell.  
______________  
Dean: Jack, you've got to learn stranger danger! We've been over this a billion times!  
Jack: I know stranger danger! Never talk to people I don't know without my parents. Don't get into somebody's car unless they have candy-  
Dean: NO, JACK, NO!  
________________  
Jack: But projective algebraic varieties are algebraic cycles, not simply used to increase dimension!  
Kevin: I KNOW! But if they are, then it presents an entirely new look at the way we understand geometric functions and their impact on linear-  
Dean: TAKE IT OUTSIDE!  
Kevin: ....equations....  
Dean: KEVIN, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!  
Jack: BUT THE LEMMER THEORY-  
Dean: JACK, NO!  
________________  
Sam: Aww I think baby Jack is about to say his first word!  
Jack: Duuu....  
Dean: Okay, I'm getting out the camera, one sec!  
Jack: Duuuu....  
Sam: Here it comes!  
Jack: Sonofabitch  
Sam: *glare*  
Dean: ... sorry  
________________  
Sam: We love karaoke night.  
Mary: *sobbing* sh... like.... a... gurrrl... but... she... a... flammmm.... so... bright... she cab nurn bur bies...  
Dean: Best night of the year!  
Jack: YEAH DIS GURL IS ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE  
Mary: *falls flat on her face*  
Dean: I think Jack had too much apple juice  
________________  
Dean: When I'm upset, I think CALM.  
Jack: What?  
Dean: C is for Cars. A is for A Busty Asian Beauties mag, L is for Led Zep, and M is for My Baby. Now you try.  
Jack: C is for Castiel. A is for Adventure. L is for love. and M is for My family!  
Dean: Goddammit. Yours is so much better than mine. You're even beating me at Anger Management class.  
___________________  
Jack: Why do all the nice people die?  
Dean: ...  
Dean: BeCaUsE OnLy ThE GoOd DiE YoUnG  
____________________  
Cas: Jack has some of the largest wings I've ever seen but also one of the smallest bodies so sometimes I wonder how he even stands upright  
Jack: *on the floor*  
Cas:  
Jack:  
Cas:  
Jack: I've fallen and I can't get up  
_____________________  
Gabriel: I will protect my estranged deceased brother's deceased not-girlfriend's accidental magical 2-year-old but looks 19-years-old child with my life.  
Cas: His name is Jack.  
Gabriel: I will protect Jack with my life.  
_____________________  
Cas: Do you ever wonder if we're good dads?  
Sam: ... sometimes.  
Jack: *swinging from a chandelier* DADS, LOOK!  
Cas: Where did we go wrong?  
*crash*  
_____________________  
Jack: If life were a metaphor, the universe would be a football pitch and I am the football.  
____________________  
Jack: MEET MY FAMILY!  
Jack: This is my grandpa-  
Chuck: Jack, I'm WRITING! GET OUT!!!  
Jack: This is my mom!  
Kelly: Hello!  
Jack: These are my aunts-  
Anael: Check out these cursed earrings from my bro  
Rowena: I love them, darling- Oh, hello Jack! What're you doing here?  
Dagon: Ugh whatever  
Naomi: *drill noises*  
Jack: And these are my dads!  
Sam: You're absolutely wrong!  
Dean: Yeah, what Sam said!  
Lucifer: I'm telling you, if you educate him he'll think critically and he'll be too smart and we'll lose control!  
Castiel: There is no "We" in this scenario.  
Jack: Anyways-  
______________________________  
Jack: Daaaaad daaaad daaad dad daaaaaaa-  
Cas: What?  
Jack: I love you  
______________________________  
Rowena: Pick something from this rack and see if we can save your wee interest in fashion before it's too late.  
Jack: Flannel!  
Rowena: NOOOOOOOOOO!


	5. THE VOID (ft. God Siblings)

Jack: As a resident of the nothingness, I've invented a few games to pass the time!  
Jack: This one is called Trying to Wake Up Uncle Gabe, where I steal his kazoo and blow it until the Empty comes and yells at me!  
Jack: This one is called AHHHHHHH, where I simply scream until my lungs hurt and then I get this neat echo which is weird because there are no walls!  
Jack: This one is "how far can the shoe go?", where I throw my shoe and try to see how far I can throw it!  
Jack: And my favorite is called spinning! I just go in circles until I'm dizzy or Billie shows up!  
___________________  
Jack: Aunt Billie, can I have cookie crunch?!  
Billie: It’s 10 PM!  
Jack: Please!!! Time means nothing in the vooooiiiiiidddd!!!!  
Billie: No!  
Jack: *mumbles* just like Sam >:(

________________

Jack: I want to see Cas  
Billie: But there are bees out there  
Jack: I LIKE BEES!!!!  
Billie: YOU’RE ALLERGIC!!!!  
_________________

Billie: I’ve only had Jack for six months but if anything happened to him I would change the course of fate so myself and everyone else in this room would die  
Cas: …. okay, but can I have him back now?  
___________________  
Billie: Jack, you live in my house, so you’ve got to follow my rules  
Jack: But Casssss let me eat cereal after ten!!!!!  
___________________  
Jack: okay…. let me make sense of this…. my uncle is possessed by my uncle… Sam was married and his ex wife dated my grandpa… Dean kissed my great aunt… Cas has been married three times and is currently married to two different people, and his body is the dad of Claire, who is technically related to me…. and Mr Ketch dated my grandma and flirted with my aunt Rowena…. is that correct?  
Billie: … yeah, that’s messed up.  
___________________  
Jack: Anyways, this is where everyone goes now. It used to be a graveyard-  
Kevin: But now it’s a rave yard!!!!  
Billie: I’m sorry, I should’ve stopped them, I heard them planning it-  
Rowena: We truly apologize  
Mary: I actually thought that was funny  
Becky and her fam: …  
____________________  
Amara: F*ck you, I’m doing yoga  
_____________________  
Amara: I'm a boss ass bitch! bitch! bitch!  
Amara: *dabs*  
Chuck: …  
__________________  
Gabriel: Auntie Amara, how come daddy told us to stay away from you?  
Amara: Because your daddy is a bitch. Any more questions?  
____________________  
Chuck: What if... Sam... was given... blood... as a baby... and he's addicted to it when he grows up?  
2010:  
Sam: Wow, my life is shitty  
Chuck: WELL YA SHOULDN'TA DRANK DAT DEMON BLOOD THEN  
______________________  
Chuck: I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE!  
Amara: Ah shit, here we go again  
_______________________  
Chuck: Okay, meet the gods- this is Billie, she's the god of Harmony, fate, balance, that type of stuff  
Billie: 'Sup  
Chuck: This is Shadow, the god of sleeping and yelling at people in strange accents  
Shadow: Mmm hmmm  
Chuck: This is Amara, she's the god of darkness, chaos, free will, and souls....  
Amara: Hello!  
Chuck: And finally this bastard, this guy, his name is Jack and he is the god of... either love or truth or family or some sappy shit like that but I hate him  
Jack: ... okay.  
_____________________  
Billie: Everything the light touches... isn't yours.  
Jack: But I want to go there!  
Billie: God will smite you.  
Jack: But....  
____________________  
Jack: Mom once said that I could do anything if I set my mind to it  
Jack: She was right, but at what cost?  
_____________________  
Chuck: *creates an entire freakin' planet around Amara to keep her trapped forever*  
Dean: JAILLLBREAAAAK


	6. Adam and Michael Break

Sam: Do you ever wonder what's going on in Adam's head?  
Adam: *MICHAEL, CALM THE F*CK DOWN*  
Michael: *THEY TRIED TO POISON US WITH THAT MOLDY HAMBURGER!*  
Adam: *IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT YOU ATE FOOD YOU FOUND UNDER DEAN'S BED!*

____________

Adam: You are the Burger to my french fries  
Michael: ???  
_____________

Adam: Dad used to say there's always one gay sibling  
Sam: He was wrong, because we have three  
Adam: Wait, we have more siblings?  
Jack: If I'm an only child, am I gay too?  
Cas: Jack, you don't even know what gay means.  
Dean: Yeah, Sam, since when did we have other siblings? There's six of us now? And our siblings are all gay?  
Sam: Okay, I'm leaving now  
______________

Jack: This is gonna be my first christmas without Michael kidnapping me!  
Sam: Ummmmm  
Michael: Hey  
______________  
Michael: I'm gonna kill all your little human friends  
Gabriel: Please, don't, I've already killed Dean enough for a couple hundred lifetimes  
______________  
Dean: You're my favorite brother!  
Sam: I'm your only brother  
Dean: ...  
Sam: ...  
Dean: Yeah, that sounds right


	7. This One Goes Out To Everyone in Quarantine

Sam, season 1: Isn't disguising as priests a little low even for us?  
Sam, season 14: I'm Special Agent Doctor Sam Winchester with the Federal Bureau of Secret Service Rangers, yoga instructor and janitor on the side, accomplished librarian, historian, college student, and a pastor on Tuesdays.  
_______________________  
Lucifer: I mean... you took him without asking me-  
Sam: FINE, YOU WANNA TALK LAW, LET'S TALK LAW!  
Lucifer: Wha-  
Sam: THE LIMIT ON CHILD ABANDONMENT IS THREE MONTHS! YOU LEFT JACK FOR ALMOST TWELVE MONTHS ON HIS OWN, UNAWARE OF HIS CONDITION OR CARE, THEREFORE YOU HAVE GIVEN UP YOUR RIGHTS FOR LEGAL CUSTODY!  
Lucifer: WH-  
Sam: FURTHERMORE YOU FAILED TO PROVIDE CLOTHING, FOOD, SHELTER, AND MEDICAL CARE FOR JACK! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CLAIM HIM AS YOU LITERALLY HAVE ONLY KNOWN HIM FOR ABOUT TWO HOURS OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE-  
Dean: SAM, DEEP BREATHS!  
Sam: YOU'RE A BITCH, LUCIFER!  
Mary: Sam, you're in contempt of court.  
Cas: I call myself to the stand to agree that Lucifer is a bitch.  
Sam: I REST MY CASE!  
Lucifer: This... isn't even a trial.  
__________________________  
Jack: So the ghost of my dad showed up  
Sam: Hmm  
Jack: I dunno, think I killed somebody  
Sam: hmm  
Jack: Definitely my uncle though, that jerk  
Sam: Hmm hmm  
Jack: Maybe I should just die or something, but I die, would I go to Heaven? I mean, I did kill people and stuff  
Sam: Hmm  
Jack: Are you even listening?  
Sam: Yeah, sure, I love your Hamlet book report  
_______________________  
Dean: My mamma didn't raise a fool.  
Dean: *crying* She didn't raise me at all  
_________________________  
Jack: If anyone had told me that I would grow up to be a mentally scarred, depressed homeless teenager I might've just stayed inside my mom  
_________________________  
Dean: Maybe I shouldn't've made a death pact with a 2-year-old. Maybe that wasn't a good idea.  
Sam: *exploding with sarcasm* You think?  
________________________  
Kelly: This is my spectacular gender reveal party, everybody ready?  
Dagon: We already know the gender. I dunno, I think the whole idea of revealing his gender is stupid because what if he's trans? I mean, his dad would throw a fit but gender is bullshit. I don't care what gender somebody is, it's fun to rip out their intestines either way, you know.... can I eat the cake now?  
Kelly: NO! Alright, can you pop this balloon?  
Dagon: Sure  
Dagon: Wow, it's blue. So surprise. Much excited. Cake.  
____________________________  
Jack: It's saving people, hunting THINGS! NOT HUNTING PEOPLE! i aM NoT a ThInG, DeAN! I AM NOT A THING!  
__________________________  
Alex: I want Jack to grow up and be well adjusted and finally get to be happy :)  
Jared, Jensen, and Misha: SACRIFICE! DEATH! TEARS!  
Alex: What the f*ck guys ur ruining my vibes  
___________________________  
Jack: Why do so many Disney movie villains look like you?  
Rowena: *Flashback*  
Rowena: I'M GOING TO TURN ALL OF YOU INTO FROGS!!!!!

Rowena: Must be a coinkidink?  
__________________________  
Team Free Will goes to an Art Museum for a hunt.  
Jack: Wow, Cas! That baby angel looks like you!  
Dean: Dude, that one looks like you too...  
Sam: Why is there a painting labelled 'Castiel' that's a woman who looks like you in a petticoat?  
Cas: *blushes*  
______________________________  
Michael: What are you the god of again?  
Jack: ...  
Jack: CORN SNAKES!  
Michael: AhhhHHHH WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM?!  
__________________________________  
Sam: Are you watching Unlikely Animal Friendships?  
Cas: A grumpy badger and a corn snake just became friends. They remind me so much of Dean and Jack.  
Sam: You're right...  
Dean: HEY!  
_____________________________________  
Jack: The holidays are weird. Like... if Michael and Lucifer are gone, who is gonna threaten to kill my mom, torture me, or kidnap me and throw me in a van?  
Cas: I'm sure someone will do it.  
________________________________________  
Jack: GOD, STRIKE ME DOWN!  
Cas: dOn'T sAy ThAt!!!!11!!!1!  
__________________________________  
Kelly: What're you in for?  
Felix: Ssssssss  
Kelly: I hear ya.  
_________________________________  
Lucifer: I have made a human  
Jack: *shyly* Hi  
Gabriel: You screwed up a perfectly good baby is what you did. Look at it! It's got anxiety!  
___________________________________  
Cas: I failed as a guardian angel.  
Sam: No, Cas, you're amazing and valid, and we love you no matter what, alright?  
Cas: Jack and Dean were who I was supposed to be guarding.  
Sam: Yeah, you are a bad guardian angel.  
Sam: *whispers* but we still love you!  
______________________________________  
Jack, at 2 Am: Sam, do you ever wonder why planets are round?  
Sam: *crying* That's my boy  
______________________________________  
Jack: Ha, I got no father's day plans, I'm an orphan!  
Cas: Doesn't your father appear to you as a hallucination to demean you as a manifestation of your own guilt?  
Jack: My father's day plan is to start therapy.  
_________________________________  
Jack, holding a butterfly: Look what I made!  
Dean: You made that.... with your own two hands?  
Jack: *rolling his eyes* No, I obviously made it with my own two feet.  
Dean: Did Donna teach you that?  
Jack: .... yea.  
__________________________________  
Cas: Hello  
Kelly: Hello  
Cas: I would die for your child and trade my happiness to make sure he can be happy. I will literally fight the man I love to keep him safe. I will battle primordial entities for him. I will kill people who hurt him, and I will defend him with every breath. I am literally going to ride or die with this fetus and nobody can stop me.  
Kelly: Cool  
____________________________________  
Jack: Uhh sorry this is only my second rebellion, I haven't gotten the hang of it yet  
__________________________  
Jack: Hey look, it's Uncle Gabe!  
Shadow: Billie told you not to wake anybody up, so I have to put my foot down.  
Jack: ... please  
Shadow: I'm looking away now  
Jack: YAY!  
_____________________________  
Jack: The hospital thinks I'm 18, the grocery store thinks I'm 22, but nobody could ever guess my real age!  
Dean: You're 1.9 years old.  
Jack: Darn it that was exactly right! How did you...  
Dean:  
Jack: Oh. Right.  
_____________________________  
Billie: Well, you've been here for 4 days. That's not that long, Jack. I'm sure they'll be fine for now.  
Jack: Wait... 4 days? Which.... means...  
Billie: What  
Jack: They... they went to Endgame without me  
Billie: I'm sure they waited  
Meanwhile:  
Dean: *watching the end credits* Wow, it's really sad that Jack didn't survive to see this movie.  
________________________________  
Nobody:  
Jack: *dumps the entire bag of sugar onto lasagna*  
________________________________  
Jack: I don't need anybody, I'm grown.  
Sam: Is that chocolate on your face?  
Jack: ... no!  
Sam: Jack, let me clean your face-  
Jack: NO  
Sam: LET ME CLEAN YOUR FACE  
________________________  
Dean: Hey, how is your little girlfriend?  
Jack: I'm 2  
__________________________  
Lucifer: I'm going to be a better dad than dad was.  
Michael: I presume you know exactly where your child is at the moment and who he's with.  
Lucifer: Ya know, I'm not going to answer that.  
_____________________________  
Kelly: Jack Gabriel Kline... you are named after the kindest and most idiotic people Cas and I knew  
_________________________  
This one aged badly: 

Sam: Jack, we've got something we should've told you. Uh... to put it nicely, you aren't a Disney Princess and you can never be one.  
Dean: Jack, we're owned by Warner Brothers.  
Jack: But... if we're owned by Warner Brothers... that means we aren't real, right?  
Sam: I thought you knew that.  
Jack: I'M NOT REAL?!  
Cas: *sighs* You had to tell him?  
Jack: *screaming and running around* IT'S ALL A LIE!!!!  
____________________________  
Jack: When I get scared, bad things happen to people. I can't control myself when I'm scared... I remember when the bad woman burned and the universe screamed... I can hear voices and they're so loud and they hurt.  
Dean: You're a Winchester now! Here's a free gun! Does that make you feel better?!  
Jack: I don't think that's going to help with the voice-  
Sam: CoNcEaL DoN'T FeEl ANd NoThInG BaD WIlL HaPpEn  
Jack: ok  
____________________________________  
Nick: LuCiFeR Is MiNe  
Sam: I'm not fighting you on this  
Nick: LUCIFER IS MINE  
Sam: Seriously, you shouldn't be worried about me. I literally give 0 shits about this.  
Nick: THEN WHY DOES HE LIKE YOU BETTER?! WHY DID HE GIVE ME UP FOR YOU?! YOU WERE A BAD BOYFRIEND! HE DESERVED BETTER!  
Sam: Oh my f*cking God  
___________________________________  
Dean: We're kind of like Jack's godfathers  
Sam: Except that Jack is kind of like a tiny deity that rules us. He controls whether we live or die.  
Dean: Yeah, we just have to feed him three times a day and give him special treats and he's happy.  
Sam: He's either a god of sacrifice or a cat.


	8. Wayweird

Kaia: mmm knew you were trouble when you walked innnn so shame on mmmm now mmmm flew me places I never been... now I'm laying on the cold hard ground  
Claire: *screams*  
Alex: *screams*  
Patience: TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE  
Jody: What the f*ck  
______________  
Jack: I have to get my parents back together!  
Kaia: I don't know who your parents are and at this point I'm too afraid to ask  
___________________  
*to the tune of Schyuler Sisters*  
Alex: Alll-e-lex!  
Claire: Cl-air-re!  
Patience: And Patience!  
All: The Wayward Sisters!  
Claire: Lookin for Kaia-ya ya-ya!  
_____________________  
Meanwhile:  
Donna: WHERE DID ALL THESE ZOMBIES COME FROM?  
Jody: I DON'T FRICKIN' KNOW  
Patience: EWWW IT TOUCHED ME  
Alex: *firing off her shotgun* YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH  
Claire: I AM GOING TO KILL SAM AND DEAN!  
____________________________________  
Patience: Of all the apocalypses... a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?!  
Claire: At least we haven't seen anyone we know yet  
Patience:  
Claire:  
Patience: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!  
_________________  
Kaia: Evil twins have such a bad rep  
Ketch: Tell me about it, darling  
Bel: It be like that B/  
_________________  
Jody: Hello? Castiel?  
Jack: No, he's dead. This is his son.  
Jody: What? Cas is dead? Who are you?!  
Jack: I am so sorry, I thought you were Donna, Cas is fine. Why are you using Donna's phone?!  
Jody: ...Who are you?  
Jack: I'm Jack.  
Jody: Oh. That makes sense.  
_________________  
Kaia: While you were being heterosexual, I studied the blade!  
Kaia: Or spear, I guess.  
______________

Siblings  
Sam: Go away, Dean!  
Dean: Come on Sammy, cheer up!  
Kaia: If you mess with me again, I'll stab you!  
Dark Kaia: I'll stab you first!  
Jack: I like stars too!  
Claire: Ugghhh  
Alex: Aww your adopted brother is so cute!  
Patience: I call borrowing his clothes after Kaia  
Lucifer: F*CK OFF!  
Michael: YOU F*CK OFF!  
Raphael: NO, YOU F*CK OFF!  
Gabriel: EVERYBODY F*CK OFF!  
Adam: Wow, I really hate my brothers  
______________________  
Jody: How was Texas? Did you find the werewolves?  
Claire: Ye-  
Alex and Patience: I'M GONNA TAKE MY HORSE TO THE OLD TOWN ROAD, I'M GONNA RIIIIIDE 'TIL I CAN'T NO MORE  
Claire: Noooo  
Alex and Patience: HORSES IN THE BACK, HORSES IN THE FRONT, HORSES ALL AROUND  
Patience: WE DON'T KNOW THESE LYRICS!  
Alex: SO WE GONNA-  
Alex and Patience: TAKE OUR HORSE TO THE OLD tOWN ROAD-  
Claire: *grumbles*

____________

Dean: we're here to get you  
Kaia: It only took three years  
Adam: ...  
_________________  
EVERYONE REACTING TO JACK’S TRUTH SPELL IN MORIAH 

Meanwhile, in Sioux Falls:  
Claire: Oh my God I am a big ol' gay I am a lesbian I am gay as fuck and nobody can stop me I miss Kaia! I think I loved her I can't move on-  
Alex: I HAVE A CRUSH ON MY BEST FRIEND  
Patience: *screaming* I. HATE. SCHOOL. AND. I. WANT. MY. DAD. TO. ACCEPT. ME. AS. WHO. I. AM!  
Donna: I love doughnuts  
Jody: I THINK I'M BISEXUAL BUT I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE

Also meanwhile, at the Fitzgerald's:  
Bess: I HATE LEMONS STOP BUYING LEMON SOAP LEMONS ARE HORRIBLE GARTH STOP IT STOP IT  
Garth: Why is everyone acting so weird?


	9. Saileen Prevents COVID-19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of ship-related shitposts

Eileen: *signing* How (is) Kelly? Did she have her baby?  
Dean: What did she say?  
Sam: Yeah *signing* She died, but had baby. Name (is) Jack. Dead.  
Eileen: Sorry to hear that  
Dean: DUDE! What’re you talking about?!  
Eileen: *signing* Dean and Cas?!  
Sam: Not yet.  
Eileen: *signing* some day?  
Sam: If they can get it in their thick skulls  
Dean: YOU BETTER NOT BE TALKING ABOUT ME  
_________________________  
Dean: Real or not real?  
Cas: Real  
Sam: Did you just… reference Hunger Games?  
Kevin: No! It was like ‘Okay will be our Always’ from Fault in Our Stars!  
Rowena: I was thinking Titanic… never let go?  
Ketch: Haven’t you fools ever heard of Harry Potter??? They’re like Snape and Lily!  
Bel: Booooooo romance  
___________________________  
Rowena's hair: *perfect*  
Sam: *whispering* Teach me your secrets  
Dean: SAM, NO! WITCHES ARE EVIL!  
__________________________  
Rowena: I'm a witch on the streets and need beauty sleep in the sheets :)  
Sam: I'm not sure if I was just picked up or rejected  
Rowena: Good  
______________________  
Sabriel: Surprise motherf*cker!  
SheriffMoms: Supplies motherf*cker!  
SamRuby: Some fries motherf*cker!  
Midam: DISGUISE MOTHERF*CKER!  
Destiel: Some pies motherf*cker!  
Samwena: wrong size motherf*cker!  
Priest!CasxDean: ALL RISE MOTHERF*CKER!  
Saileen: first prize motherf*cker!  
Sastiel: hearteyes motherf*cker  
Dreamhunter: rue dies motherf*cker!  
_____________________  
Sam: So you and Rowena-  
Charlie: Don't want to talk about it  
Sam: Wait, did you two-  
Charlie: Don't want to talk about it  
Sam: ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod  
______________________  
Person: Are you gay or European?  
Rowena: Yes  
_____________________  
Rowena: Guys... I have something to tell you  
Cas: You're bisexual  
Rowena: How did... you know?  
Jack: Charlie told Mr. Ketch and Mr. Ketch told Maggie and Maggie told Sam and then Sam told Dean and Dean told Cas and then Cas told me that Charlie told him that you two dated because Mary hooked you two up at a party and Mary told Arthur to fudge off  
Rowena: That doesn't sound right. Mary wouldn't say fudge, she would say fuc-  
Everyone: NOOOOOOO!  
Jack: ???  
_______________________  
Dean: *wearing a t-shirt that says 'co-parent'*  
Woman: Aww where is your wife?  
Castiel: Some people are platonic co-parents, Karen.  
Sam: Yeah, get a life, Karen!  
_____________________  
Cas: We have to go somewhere they can't find us.  
Jack: I'm already responsible for about three Destiel breakups already, I don't want to make it worse  
Cas: JaCk ThEy'Re GoNnA KiLl yOu  
Jack: Destiel is more important  
Cas: GoDaMmIt JaCk  
_____________________  
Dean: The enemy of our enemy is our son  
Cas: And he's perfect  
_____________________  
Dean: Cas says that we're not allowed to date because it's illegal for an angel to get it on with a human  
Jack: I'm illegal and that never stopped me!  
Dean: DAMN RIGHT  
___________________  
Dean: I'm just a broken man, standing in front of a chrysler-sized energy light-wave of celestial intent, asking him to love him.


	10. We may be social distancing but at least we can shitpost

Vampire: We have your son  
Sam: What? I don't have a son.  
Vampire: Then who is the polite nuclear bomb with the backpack and the velcro shoes?  
Sam: OH MY GOD THEY HAVE MY SON  
_______________________________  
Jack: My favorite snack is nougat. What's your favorite snack?  
Sam: Salad  
Dean: Pie  
Cas: PB&J  
Mary: Pizza  
Chuck: Noodles  
Amara: HUMAN SOULS  
_____________________________  
John: ...my girl...  
Me, loudly at the tv: NO, MY GIRL  
______________________________  
Jack: I'm immortal, right?  
Cas: Mostly, yes.  
Jack: So if I did something dangerous, I should be alright then, right?  
Cas: What are you up to?  
Jack: Umm... nothing *chugs a bottle of coke and a mento*  
Cas: JACK, nO!  
_____________________________  
Jack: I wonder what life was like a long time ago. 2009 must've been really weird. Did they even have computers yet? My mom was probably like 3 or something.  
_________________________  
QUEER EYE FOR THE HUNTER GUY

Rowena: Yes, these are the people who I was talking about.  
Tan: *whispers* GeT ThAt HiDeOuS JaCkEt OfF HiM  
Sam: What?  
Karamo: Do you think that your need for self-sacrifice and pushing people away stems from your mother's death and your father abandoning you as a baby because you feel a lack of love and physical affection?  
Jack: ... maybe.  
Antoni: Okay, Dean, you're actually not a bad chef but if you keep saying that, you're gonna think it. Also, you can do more than Hamburgers and bacon okay? Let's try a salad.  
Dean: WHAT?! NO!  
Jonathan: Honey, we don't cut our own hair, okay?  
Mary: IT LOOKS FINE!  
Bobby: This place is beautiful but we could make the bedrooms feel cozy and lived in  
Cas: No!  
______________________________________  
Jack: *singing* Seven a.m. the usual morning line up! Start on the chores and mop ‘til the blood is all gone. Research and snacks, do laundry and stop and shine up.Clean up again and by then it's like seven fifteen! And so I'll watch a movie or maybe 2 or 3! I’ll go buy beer- oh wait, I’m 17! I'll practice fighting and powers and being normal and basically... When will my life begin?!  
_________________________  
Supernatural: Jack is evil  
Me: no, you don't have all the facts  
Supernatural: Which are?  
Me: I love him  
_______________________  
Gabriel, running around in circles: *Kazoo noises* *incoherent screaming* *singing heat of the moment*  
The Empty, holding a cigarette: Wow I love my life  
________________________  
Cas: GOD HAS A BEARD  
Dean: He’s a little confused but he’s got the spirit  
______________________  
Lucifer: I want to have a baby but none of the responsibilities. Like... poop? Your problem. Teaching him the alphabet? You do that. Feeding him? Your responsibility. I'll just teach him how to murder people and use toxic masculinity and offensive jokes as a crutch.  
Kelly: That's not how that works  
____________________  
Kelly: I'm just a girl, standing in front of a wavelength of celestial intent trapped in the body of a random tax accountant guy from Illinois, asking it to raise her baby.  
_____________________  
Rowena: Please don't do something stupid, darling. You're one of the only people I like.  
Jack: If I don't do something stupid every 24 hours I'll die. It's the curse of the Winchesters.  
Mary: It's true, Ro. Jack, have you filled in your demon deal quota of the month?  
Jack: NOT YET!  
Dean: HURRY, JACK!!! YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!  
Rowena: Oh dear Chuck  
_____________________  
Jack: Mom didn't die so I could be trapped inside the Bunker until I die of old age WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE  
Cas: Your mom also didn't die so that you could go outside and get kidnapped and dragged to Hell by demons! RIGHT DEAN?  
Dean: Kelly's dead?  
____________________  
Jack: If we kill everybody who has depression then NOBODY HAS DEPRESSION!!! Problem solved!  
Cas: I raised this child didn’t I?  
_________________  
Jack: I've got 99 problems but a soul ain't one  
_____________________  
The Shurley family at Thanksgiving  
Michael: Dad you would not believe this I didn't get to take over Earth! I'm so MAD!  
Chuck: If you weren't so dramatic you'd be ruling right now  
Raphael: Yeah, Michael! I should be in charge!  
Lucifer: Can have another chance to destroy it? Please?!  
Chuck: That would be your fifth turn.  
Amara: Well, I heard that it was Jack's turn to destroy the world. Neither him or Gabe have had a turn yet.  
Jack: Nope  
Gabriel: Don't look at me to bail you out  
_________________________  
Sam: Okay, it's time to write your resume.  
Jack: What do we write?  
Sam: Just say things about yourself that qualify you to work at the Gas n Sip.  
Jack: Okay... um... I served in a rebellion as a child soldier, I've seen every episode of clone wars, I killed my uncle, I ate a tide pod and survived, I can open portals which can be helpful if we need to get new supplies from a parallel world... uh, I can't sing though. I have a pet snake. And my dads met Scooby Doo once!  
Sam: *writing* worked at McDonald's  
_________________________  
Jack: Now that I'm immortal again, I can finally eat the forbidden fruit  
Dean: The what-  
Jack: *eats a tide pod* Ew this tastes gross  
Dean: I hate you  
________________________  
Maggie: Jack and I are pretty good friends. We have this thing going where I die and then he causes the death of whoever killed me.  
Jack: Yeah, it's great.  
Maggie: Really just a lot of people die around us because a lot of people kill me.  
Jack: Yeah, Maggie doesn't have any luck.  
Maggie: That's why I'm lucky to have a friend like Jack and his weird snake and his secret underground Bunker and his INSANE family-  
Jack: -who keep killing Maggie-  
Maggie: Yeah, that's life.  
________________________  
Jack: I AM NOT A CHILD  
Michael: Aren’t u like… 2?  
_____________________  
Dean: Jack, did you eat my bacon and then try to hide it by placing crumbs on Cas's trenchcoat?  
Jack: Oops.  
Dean: Great job. Next time be less obvious, dumbass. I've already used that one.  
____________________  
Season 12  
Dean: *singing to himself in the shower* Kelly is a friend, oh yeah she’s always been a good friend of mine, but lately something’s changed, it ain’t hard to define, Kelly’s got herself an angel and I wanna make him mine…  
Sam: *whispers* what the fuck  
Dean: AND HES LOOKIN AT HER WITH THOSE EYES, AND HE’S WATCHING ALL THOSE CHANGES HAPPEN TO HER BODY I JUST KNOW IT, AND SHE’S HUGGING HIM IN HER ARMS LATE LATE AT NIGHT  
Sam: What. the. fuck.  
Dean: I WISH I HAD KELLY’S ANGEL! I WISH I HAD KELLY’S ANGEL! WHERE CAN I FIND A MAN LIKE THAT?  
________________________  
SPN writers: Ah yes, the archangels. Michael, Lucifer, Gabriel... *looks at smudged writing* and Raw Hail  
_____________________  
Dagon: Kelly, I'm telling you, you don't need to go to doctor check-ups. Your baby will never need to go to the hospital. Ever. Okay?  
Two years later:  
Jack: *has a seizure*  
Sam: EVERYBODY STAY CALM STAY F*CKING CALM  
Dean: OH MY F*CKING GOD CALL THE HOSPITAL  
Cas: DAGON WAS WRONG! CHECK-UPS ARE IMPORTANT! VACCINATE YOUR CHILDREN!  
Dean: *incoherent screeching*  
_____________________________  
Charlie: Why does Jack know all the lesbians and why don't I? Jack, you gotta hook me up.  
Jack: What're lesbians?  
Stacy, Max, Kaia, Claire, Wendy, Charlie: …  
___________________________  
Michael: No, I LOVE my family! My self righteous Father, Auntie Amara, my little brother Luci... Um... *pulls up his sleeve to reveal a list of smudged names* Gayebeel, Waff-hee-el, Jace Klimt, and Cake Steel!  
________________________  
Michael: Some people say I'm bad. I disagree. I'm just an archangel who likes murdering my little siblings, torturing my nephew and his 'family', and causing the end of the world. I'm not bad. Ya'll are just mean.  
________________________  
Jack: What is being married like?  
Mary: You really love the person and then it ends with one of you dying horribly while the other has to live on and wait for the end.  
Rowena: I've never been married but I've had many-  
Dean: -mysteriously killed-  
Rowena: -fiancees, and I can tell you that you shouldn't trust ANYONE. And they weren't mysteriously killed, Dean, I murdered them!  
Cas: I can tell you that I've been married 2 to 3 times and while marriage is a lovely union I've mostly only done it for political reasons or by accident and I can tell you that it's a bad idea if you don't think it through.  
Jack: Sam, what's your opinion? Have you ever been married?  
Sam: Don't have one. I don't talk about it.  
Jack: Dean?  
Dean: No one liked it so they haven't put a ring on it.  
Jack: Wha...  
Dean: I'm a single lady.  
_____________________  
Jack: Have you met my parents yet?  
Lucifer: I... am your parent.  
Jack: No, I mean my real parents.  
___________________  
Kelly: So... there are typical mother-son activities. Brushing his hair... packing a lunch... helping him with his homework... teaching him manners...  
Kelly: And then there are things that Jack and I do, like setting demons on fire... fighting primordial entities... trying to kill myself so he doesn't become evil... you know, the regulars.  
____________________  
Jack: Yay! Old photos!  
Cas: Yeah, look at this! It's me, Sam, and Dean by the Impala!  
Jack: This is from.. the 2000s?! WOW!  
Cas: Look, Sam has bangs!  
Jack: YOU HAD A DIFFERENT TRENCHCOAT?!  
Cas: Actually, I've had three, not including my petticoat version from the early 1900s.  
Jack: WOW YOU'RE OLD!!!


	11. These Posts Are So Old that Michael was Inside of Dean When They Were Written

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You thought I was done? I've written so many crack posts that by the time you're done reading them, it will be December of next year!

Jack: *in a husky voice* My name is Dean Winchester and I'd like to buy three boxes of nougat  
Employee: Sir, this is an Arby's.  
___________________________

Jack: Some of you have never found out that you were adopted by your uncle who pretended to be your father and your real father was your uncle all along but your adoptive father died so you get adopted again by a new family only to have your father show back up and then your REAL father shows up but then he dies and it really shows.  
________________________  
Jack: *dies*  
Cas: When you said that you were going to reconnect with your 'real' family, I didn't know you were going to take it so seriously.  
________________________  
Jack: Hi! I was born to be a villain but I'm just a kid and my mom believes that I can be good, so I'm gonna try! Everyone says I'm an abomination, but I really just want to prove people wrong. I like Star Wars!  
Sam: I. WILL. ADOPT.  
________________________  
Mary: Some of ya'll have never become a woman in white and it shows.  
Sarah: Mood.  
Jessica: Yup  
Kelly: It's nice and horrible to see we have a community  
Lisa: It’s a mood and I didn't even die  
Constance: I'm in this picture and I don't like it  
__________________________  
Sam: I think Jack is mature enough to have this conversation, Dean!  
Dean: *throws toy keys at Jack's head*  
Jack: Are thESE KEYS?!  
____________________________  
Sam: I'm starting to think that maybe letting Jack do whatever is a bad idea that will have repercussions when he's older. I mean... should he really be seeing dead bodies before he's even two years old?  
Dean: I got involved in the life when I was four and I grew up to be just fine, Sam.  
Cas: You are also a depressed alcoholic who wants to yeet himself whenever there's a hint of trouble.  
Dean: See? I'm fine!

_________________________  
Jack: I promise, I'll be fine! I won't accidentally use my powers!  
Sam: Okay. Fine.  
Later:  
Jack: Conceal, don't feel, don't let him kno- SAM IS GOING TO DIE!  
Sam: JACK, NO!  
_____________________  
Sam: It's vacation time! Where would you be? I would be in the world's biggest library!  
Jack: I would go to Heaven to visit mom! OR SPACE!  
Cas: I would go with Jack to Heaven...  
Mary: I would totally go somewhere warm and far away to get a break! Like an island!  
Dean: I'd go to the bottom of the ocean.  
Jack: MAYBE YOU'LL FIND THE AQUAMAN!  
Dean: That's not the point but sure.  
_______________________  
The Empty, watching Supernatural: So... uh... Cas is never gonna be happy, is he?

_____________________  
Nick: Your father and I had something special and I need to get it back. I don't care about what everybody says. We were meant to be together! I NEED HIM BACK!  
Jack: I'm not calling you stepdad.  
______________________  
Prosecutor: So... Mr. Nick Umbriowitz-  
Sam: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?  
Dean: Wait, Nick has a last name?! Nobody has ever said it before! That can't be right!  
Castiel: WHYYYYY?!  
Prosecutor: Al.... right? You know he's on trial for serial killing, assault, and theft, not for not telling you his last name-  
Mary: HE HAS A LAST NAME?!  
________________________________  
Jack: Wait, you're 40?  
Dean: Yep  
Jack: You're... old  
Dean: Yep  
Jack: YOU'RE 39 YEARS OLDER THAN ME!!!!  
Dean: Yep  
Jack: DO HUMANS EVEN LIVE THAT LONG?!  
Dean: Yeah? Most live to their 60s or even 80s.  
Jack: So I'm gonna have to do 79 more years?  
Dean: Hopefully  
Jack: OH MY GODDDDDDD!!!  
______________________________  
Sam: I'm already starting to put up protection spells around Jack for Christmas.  
Jack: That's a very fascinating decision.  
Dean: You go missing every freaking year. Sam, your spells better be very good.  
Jack: If I'm alive by Christmas...  
Cas: Young man, do I need to go over there and remind you of how much you're worth?!  
Jack: *sighing* no  
___________________________  
Jack Kline: I'm 1 and 9 months and I'm exhausted!!!  
Amara Schneider: I'm 3 and feel like I'm 30.  
Patience Turner: I'm 19 and I'm dying.  
Dean Winchester: I'm 40 and I'm dead.  
Castiel: I'm five billion and I've decomposed.  
Chuck Shurley: I've been dust since before time.  
___________________________  
Jack Sr: Wow, what is this place?  
Mrs. Kline: Look at all the books!  
Sam: Jack, your grandparents came in.  
Jack: I told you guys to wait outside!  
Jack Sr: Is this an underground bunker?!  
Jack: Guys... it's time to tell you the truth. I'm not trying to finish my last year of high school. I didn't go to high school. Or middle school. Or elementary school.  
Jack Sr: That's okay. :D  
Jack: ???  
Mrs. Kline: Ma'am, you can use hydrogen peroxide to get that blood out instead of bleaching it.  
Mary: ... thanks?  
Jack: And with that, my worlds have collided.  
__________________________  
Dean: I'm not in the closet. I AM THE CLOSET!  
___________________________  
Michael: It's a party. Haha, get it? Omfg, I am dying, no sorry- you are dying! I'm so funny, right? Because it's not actually a party and you all are going to die.  
Cas: You're hilarious.  
Michael: I know, right?!  
______________________  
Internet: The average height for men in the United States is 5'9.  
Alex Cal: *is 5'11*  
Me, seeing Alex next to Jared: Oh, a short boy!  
______________________  
Garth: I'm really rethinking my life choices  
Garth: You see, I'm trapped in a car in the inside Hitomi plaza and I can't even use it to stop the bad guys  
Garth: I'm not even the dog in the car like K-9, I'm the dog in the trunk!  
Garth: AND I'M TALKING TO MYSELF  
__________________  
Jack: Both my parents are dead.  
Dean: You can't use that excuse whenever you want something.  
Jack: Someday I'll find my father's killer and make him pay... and he'll pay... dearly.  
Dean: Okay, fine. Here you go.  
____________________  
Jack: Whatcha doing?  
Lucifer: Uh... I dunno.  
Jack: Why do you have a knife?  
Lucifer: Yes.  
_______________  
am: Jack, we've made a list of things that you are not. Worthless, a waste of space, evil, like your father, stupid, unhelpful, or better off dead.  
Jack: I'm a burden, though.  
Sam: No, you're not. Guess what?  
Jack: What?  
Sam: You are creative, kind, compassionate, good, important, and one of a kind.  
Cas: And above all, you are loved.  
Dean: *crying* We love you.  
Sam: Yeah.

________________  
Cas: I'm really happy you decided to come out as a lesbian, Claire. You know that you're loved. :)  
Claire: Thanks, Cas.  
Jack: You're a lesbian? I thought you were American.  
_________________  
Kaia: Maammmmaaa I killed a man  
Claire: Put a gun against his head  
Patience: Pulled the trigger now he's dead  
Alex: Mammmmaaaa  
All: OoooOOOoooh  
Donna: DON'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY  
All: But if I'm not back this time tomorrow CARRY ON CARRY ON!  
Kaia and Claire: Like nothing really matters...  
Jody: Girls I'm trying to drive  
____________________  
Cas: I'm not too sad about dying and you shouldn't be upset, Jack. I saw the Earth being born, the tower of babel... I saw revolutions, both world wars, the rise and fall of empires. I've been married three times and have two children and I'm very proud of you both.  
Jack: Wait what  
Cas: I'm not going to explain that you'll just have to figure it out for yourself  
Cas: Anyways, I wrote my will and I gave you my trenchcoat. Dean gets my angel blade. Sam gets my guinea pig-  
Jack: You're really not gonna explain that?  
Cas: ... no.  
______________  
Mary: Hey guys!  
Everyone: ...?  
Sam: Uh, mom... where were you?  
Mary: Michael sent monsters after us so Bobby and I split up. My phone was smashed and I ended up being chased to Nevada but I'm alright. I managed to kill the werewolves, and I'm back!  
Sam: Jack died. Dean is possessed. That's all you missed.  
Mary: What  
______________  
Michael: There's no way Jack can avoid this trap. I realized he's been outsmarting me because my traps are too complex so I just put a stick holding up a box with candy under it like in the moving picture machine.  
Trap: *Goes out*  
Michael: I've GOT YOU NOW!  
Nick: *muffled* Aw crap, it's just an empty wrapper  
Michael: What?! Oh no... Jack's outsmarted me again  
Nick: Can you let me out?! Hello?!  
_______________  
Dean: Sam, you've got to let Jack out sometimes. He doesn't need to be trapped forever, alright?  
Sam: No! He'll get hurt!!! Harper and Michael-  
Dean: Sam, deep breaths, say it with me- Jack is okay.  
Sam: *breathing* Jack is okay.  
Dean: Jack isn't going to die if he goes outside.  
Sam: Jack isn't going to- to die if he goes outside.  
Dean: Okay, are we calm now?  
Sam: Yeah, yeah. He needs some fresh air. Jack is okay. He's not going to die. He's not going to-  
*CRASH*  
Sam: HE'S GOING TO DIE!  
____________________  
Mia: Hey Jack, you missed our last appointment. I was worried about you.  
Jack: Yeah, sorry Ms. Vallens. I was kidnapped.  
Mia: Oh my God, are you alright?  
Jack: Yeah. This kind of happens every couple of Thursdays. And I died!  
Mia: YOU WHAT  
_____________________  
Demon: Hello, small Castiel.  
Jack: That was a compliment actually.  
____________________  
Kaia: I told Dean I'd kill him  
Jack: NOBODY GETS TO KILL THE MAN WHO KILLED MY FATHER OKAY?! NOBODY!!!  
Passerby: *fear*  
__________________  
Jack: I have a confession to make.  
Sam: You started using the powers Lily Sunder gave you and now you're burning your soul up just like I did when I was drinking demon blood and now you're scared that what Michael said is going to become true?  
Jack: W- what? No!  
Sam: What were you going to say?  
Jack: I ATE ALL THE COOKIES!!! Good grandpa you guys have trust issues...  
_________________  
Michael: WHAT DO YOU HAVE?  
Kaia: A SPEAR!!!  
Michael: NOOOOOOOOO  
Dean: Why does she have a spear?  
___________________  
Sam: I love serial killers!  
Nick: hey ;)  
Sam: Not you  
___________________  
Admissions Guy: So... it's not traditional to have a double college interview but I guess this is alright. Anyways, so... Jack, for your resume it just says "family business" and "leading the resistance". Can you explain?  
Jack: Well, I've been working in the family business since I was a baby. I helped lead a resistance.  
Admissions guy: Uh... okay. Kaia? Yours just says "I like to kill things"?  
Kaia: Well, that's what I do. I'd be a really good serial killer if that's a job.  
Jack: Kaia, that's a hitman.  
Kaia: Yeah, I'd like to go to college and do that.  
____________________  
Kaia: Hey Dead  
Dean: ...?  
Kaia: What, I never cared to learn your name! I didn't learn Magic Boy, Tall Human Man Who Is Nice and Smart, The Blonde Lesbian Biker Who is Mad at Me For Some Reason, or Me 2's names either.  
Dean: Her name is literally your name.  
Kaia: Whatever, it's accurate because you're gonna be dead in a few minutes anyway.  
____________________  
Michael: If this was a battle over who picks hotter vessels and is more dramatic I would win every time.  
Lucifer: I CAN BE DRAMATIC!  
Michael: Your 'drama' has no style. Have you ever watched the world burn sitting in a skyscraper that you commandeered? Have you ever sent a suicide bomber to your nephew telling him you'll destroy him? Is one of your main goals to tear a family apart and keep one of them just for fun to see how he loses his sense of reality?  
Lucifer: Wait u did what  
__________________  
Jack: I haven't always lived with my dads. Sam found me, then I ran away, then I was arrested, then Sam found me again, then I was stabbed and almost kidnapped, then I WAS kidnapped and then I ran away and then they found me again but then I ran away and was kidnapped, and then I ran away two more times and then I ran away and was kidnapped by my biological father and then I got sick and then I wanted to run away but changed my mind, then I died, and then I was kidnapped AGAIN by my uncle-  
Mia Vallens: How old are you again?  
Jack: ONE AND A HALF! :D  
____________________  
Sam: No one knows what Jack is going to do next, least of all Jack! He’s never been a Nephilim before- he’s as confused as you are!  
Dean: That better not be John Mulaney I swear  
___________________  
Sam: You think Jack did this? The evilest thing he's done in his life was stealing candy from a vending machine!  
Dean: Exactly! If anyone stole my burger, it was him!  
Cas: Dean... it was me. I was worried that you'd die from the mold that was growing on it... I threw it out.  
Dean: *GASP* HOW DARE YOU  
_____________________  
The Empty: They look scared. Does it hurt you?  
Kelly: I'm not scared, I'm angry.  
Cas: Kelly, don't attack the fucking monster.  
Kelly: Don't swear in front of Jack or you're next.

________________________  
The Empty: I'll hurt you.  
Cas: Okay.  
The Empty: I'll hurt Jack.  
Cas: NO!  
____________________  
Kelly: How does Jack know about cocaine?  
Dean: It's like "where is his father"- a question that you don't want to know the answer to.  
Cas: He was stabbed through the heart then exploded.  
Dean: Exactly.

_____________________  
Jack: Hi Mr. Sam-and-Deans-Dad!  
John: It's Mr. Winchester or Sir.  
Jack: Sorry, Mr. SADD.  
John: ...  
______________________  
Jack: Wait- my hands were only tied with a shoelace?  
Sam: Yeah  
Jack: So I could've just broken out this whole time?  
Sam: That's not really important at this point.  
Jack: BUT I COULD'VE JUST PULLED FOR A BIT AND GOTTEN OUT?! I JUST BROKE INTO A GOVERNMENT BUILDING AND YET SHOELACES COMBINED WITH FEAR STOPS ME?!  
Sam: ... yeah.  
____________________  
Kaia: Can I have the magic boy and my spear back now?  
Sam: Dean's currently out of the country.  
Kaia: Where is he?  
Sam: Michaelsolvakia.


End file.
